When I woke up, I said to Beth, “Today is going to be a LONG day,” having really no idea that this was an insight from God. We had a great time or worship. Darren and Ling led. We did a song called “Sweetly Broken”. During this song I asked God to break my heart and how he wanted to break it. We then went into quiet time and later a speaker (Father Ben). I loved him. He has been the best speaker so far. He is from Smokey Mountain, which is famous for being a burning garbage mountain in Manila. His vision is infectious; he said that he was sorry for inflicting us with it. He said that this will be a journey of solitude, a journey to help find out who we are, and a quest of spirituality. He really spoke to my heart when he talked of the Holy Spirits’ guidance and leading being better than being organized and prepared. This is because our God is a God of surprises. Father Ben was bursting with wisdom and humor; at one point he quoted Backstreet Boys (“show me the meaning of being lonely.”)
Relating to my entry from yesterday, he said, “We are not called to be successful but to be faithful!” God doesn’t desire for me to wind but rather for me to follow him recklessly and with all that I am. There are so many amazing notes in my trek journal from his talk that it would take forever to write them down. But I would like to write one quote that really hit me. “If I do not belong to a community, whose feet shall I wash?” I was like WOW! I can’t always be an individual. I need armor bearers, I need helpers, and I need people to walk with me! This was kind of huge but God still hadn’t answered my prayer.
So we had lunch and then prepared for a ‘race’ activity. Also we were preparing for walking to a different place. It was amazing to be outside of the compound. Everyone would stop and stare at us. This has never happened to me before. The streets were busy with motorcycles that had a passenger cart attached. There were trucks that were filled with men (most of the trucks said “Not 4 Hire.”) There was half of a sidewalk often being blocked by something. The whole time we were talking it was raining. The rain felt cool because the air was hot and sticky. We finally reached where we were going, a covered multi-purpose room. There were kids playing basketball at a hoop just outside in the street. This did not seem at all safe to me.
The ‘race’ activity started with every member starting shoulder to shoulder. Then we were asked a series of questions. Depending on our response we could take a step either forward or backwards. The questions were about family, finances, education, ethnicity, media, work, safety, and etc. Depending on where we landed is where we were allowed to start the ‘race’ for candy. By the end of the questions, I was up by the front. My ethnicity is portrayed in a more positive light in the media. If I need to, I could pay for an apartment, I could make that work. My Dad does have his masters and PhD. My parents both graduated from high school. I technically do not have to work to pay for school, I have parents to support me and I have student loans. I have so many things other do not. When ‘go’ was said I half walked, half ran to the finish line without thinking. I had my pick of candy, bit others did not. There were women of non-white ethnicity up against the wall in the back of the multi-purpose room. They were crying. I didn’t know how to respond. We then had a time of debriefing. These sisters in Christ were hurt and feeling all the pain they had fought to pass by and forget. They saw the men of non-white ethnicity only getting so far and the white men and women passing everyone by. Some comments they had filled me with anger. For instance, when one girl said “our parents never had to work as had as hers did”. I thought my parents have sacrifices a lot for me to go to the school I wanted. Also I was mad that there was never a question in the ‘race’ about debt for I would have then had to take a few steps back. My family makes things work.
I wrote a lot of questions of wonder, anger, and curiosity in my trek journal. At the end of one page, I wrote, “Lord, I surrender all of these things to you!” And I did. I prayed to see his children as he did. This was all at debriefing at the compound. God told me to “Weep with my children as I weep with them. Mourn as I mourn for their pain. My heard is broken for them and their pain, so yours should be too.” Then God broke my heart for His children who have been hurt, oppressed, prejudice against, who cry, weep, fight for a right, who have no where in the world to turn but Him. I began to weep uncontrollably. God’s heart and my heart were aligned. I rejoiced in my heard and mind for the Lord s good and faithful to all prayers. He had answered my prayer and I continued to weep for and with His children.
We had a time of sharing after this time of processing. After a few people, I got up and told what the Lord had done. I thanked them for sharing. I apologized for not being an advocate, for not stopping every joke or comment that may be tearing people of non-white ethnicity down when they are not there. For being tired of fighting for God’s children. I thanked them for giving me a window of what my little cousins could face if the world does not change. My heart wept or Max, Vincent, and Eric. I had grown to not see differences in skin color and the pain they could feel. I had never talked with my Uncle Rick about what he has gone through being a black man. I never talked to Gespar about his fight staying in the USA. My anger was washed away, there is no need for anger, just grace, mercy, and love. I had heard Jesus weep that day and I wept along side His children. I cried till I thought I had no more tears but more tears came. We finally finished the time of sharing. There were apologies from the white community, men as a gender, from people who had been filled with hate due to what people had done to them or people of their same ethnicity. It was a blessing for my heart to be broken.
I missed dinner that night because I had cried so hard I had a headache. This God turned into a blessing. Marie was willing to share with me about her hurt and I prayed over her. Lauren shared in her feelings of guilt and pain and we prayed for her, when I say we I mean Beth, Marie, Lauren, and myself. Then Beth shared in her hurt, pain, and anger towards men. We prayed over her. For each of these women God had led me to pray for them in a specific way and to lay my hands on them in a certain place. For Marie, I was called to lay my hands on her back for her burden. For Lauren, I placed my hands on her head for her confusion of thoughts. While I was praying for Lauren before Beth shared, God gave me a picture of hands on her heart, so when we prayed for her that’s what I did, for that’s where she is hurt. Then they went to dinner and I laid down. Adriel came to see if I needed anything, so I prayed for her. Danielle came to see what I needed. It was great to feel cared for by this new community. I talked with Danielle about how she was doing. I was so happy that she was willing to share with me. She was also able to minister and relate to the pain that Beth felt; Beth had come back from dinner. I then prayed for Danielle and the Holy Spirit was there for the words that I said were words that her and ray had been praying about that I could not have any knowledge of. Some where in this whole evening of prayer Lauren said that she could see that I have a gift of discerning. This was such a blessing to me for I had been praying for this for my chapter of InterVarsity this whole year.
After we prayed, it was time for worship and the nighttime activity, which was seeing how we approach conflict. I’m a compromiser. My commission was to be more accommodating and at times willing to collaborate. We then went into team time. We shared about what god has been doing and is doing. This was awesome. I felt exhausted through. It was great and recharging to see how God is building us as a community. After this Danielle requested individual group time, her, Rachel, Adriel, and myself. This time was so great for we came together as a community and ministered to Rachel and each other. This time was also recharging, yet when I left I asked Beth to pray and then crashed.
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